CHAPTER 22
It was already passed 12 midnight but Ellie couldn’t sleep. Somehow no matter how hard she tried to stop herself, she just kept on thinking about Jaejoong. Her heart wouldn’t leave her alone. It was somehow screaming out for Jaejoong.
Irritated, she sat on her bed. “Why am I thinking about him? I shouldn’t be thinking about him…. Crazy! This is totally crazy,” she uttered as she carefully slipped out of bed. She didn’t want to disturb Samar who was sleeping beside her.
She then quietly put on her robe. She first looked at Krizzie. She was still sleeping soundly on a nearby bed. She smiled and carefully arranged the blanket that was covering her friend.
Careful not to wake anyone, she slowly closed the door and went out. She needed some fresh air. She needed to think. Jaejoong was somehow stuck in her mind and it was making her crazy. She couldn’t bear the thought of being so close to him and yet he doesn’t even know who she really is. No matter how hard she tried to deny it, she was still affected by Jaejoong’s presence.
She tried hard not to create any noise as she went out to the veranda. She was feeling so suffocated. Somehow she wanted to just ran away and leave everything behind just like what she did before. She was afraid that she would betray herself if she stayed any longer.
A deep sigh escaped from her. She was feeling like all her secrets would be revealed one by one, the longer she stayed near Jaejoong.
“I thought I had forgotten you… I guess I was wrong,” she softly uttered. Slowly she smiled. A star was twinkling brightly up in the sky, quite far from the other stars. “Are you lonely too? I remember we used to wish on stars when we were little. I wonder if he still remembers me…”
The darkness around the veranda was quite comforting for Ellie. It was something she was used to. She had always loved the dark. After that horrible incident, she had lived in the dark. It was her friend. And it was the only thing that somehow covered all the traces of her past. Whenever she was feeling lonely or sad, she would always try to find a dark spot and just sit there for hours. Allowing the darkness to swallow her up was a routine for her. There were times that she wished that she would just disappear totally. There were times she wished that the darkness would just hide her forever.
“It’s cold… You shouldn’t be here,” a man’s voice suddenly uttered.
Frightened, Ellie quickly looked around to where the voice came from. And out from the darkness, a familiar face appeared.
“Jae…”
“Here…” he uttered as he offered her a coat. “It’s cold. You might get sick,” he said again with concern.
Ellie stared at the coat that was being given to her. She was somehow frozen.
“Ellie, are you all right?” he asked.
She quickly snapped out of what she was thinking and just took the coat. She was really beginning to shiver because of the cold. The robe she was wearing wasn’t enough to make her warm. “Thanks,” she uttered shyly.
“It’s late. You shouldn’t be here,” Jaejoong said in a concerned manner.
Ellie looked at Jaejoong. And her heart started to beat faster as she stared at him more closely. He was still the same Jaejoong she fell in love with. He still had the most wonderful smile and the most heart catching face.
And as the moon slowly cast a faint light down on where they were standing. Her heart skipped a beat as she saw the dream like effect it had on Jaejoong. Somehow it made him into a more desirable being. Someone no one could resist staring at. He was like a god, a perfect creation that had gone down from a mystical land.
“What’s wrong? Why are you staring at me?” Jaejoong nervously asked. He felt like he was on fire as Ellie continued to look at him. Somehow he wanted to just hold her in his arms and never let go. He slowly looked at the stars and smiled after he saw the small and lonely star. “You’re lonely too?” he unconsciously uttered at the star.
Ellie couldn’t explain what she was feeling. “God, he’s still the same Jaejoong I knew,” she said in her mind.
“Do you like stars?” Ellie couldn’t help but ask.
Jaejoong glanced at her for a few seconds before returning his gaze at the stars. “When I was young I had a special friend. She was my best friend. We would stare at the sky and talk to the stars that we see. It was like a habit for the two of us to search for a lonely star and talk to it … so to keep it from being lonely. A bit crazy huh? But we were happy that way,” he slowly narrated their story. Just thinking back of those times was making him teary-eyed. Ellie couldn’t believe what she heard. He spoke about them… He spoke about her.
“Where… where is this special friend of yours now?” she asked and pretended that she didn’t know what he was talking about.
“She’s gone. I didn’t take care of her so… I lost her. It was already too late before I realized what she really meant to me. She left and disappeared completely,” he answered sadly.
Ellie felt her heart was being pricked by a million needles. And somehow a part of her wanted to tell him that she was just standing in front of him.
“Are you still looking for that special someone you lost?” she couldn’t help but ask again. She felt she needed to know.
Jaejoong nodded slowly. His eyes still focused on the sky. He couldn’t dare look at her. Just being so close to her was already too unbearable for him, and he knew if he looked at her, he wouldn’t be able to control his emotions anymore.
“Yes, I am still looking. But I think she doesn’t want to be found. I messed up big time when she was still in my life. I made a mistake and it cost her… her life. I know she would never forgive me even if I found her again. But you see… I was young back then, foolish and totally inconsiderate. I had so many things in my mind… things that I thought I wanted. I didn’t know that it was her that I wanted all along. It was already too late when I found out that … I loved her. She was already gone and everything was already done. Because of me, she got hurt and she suffered an imaginable pain… a pain, I know I can never erase even if I wanted to,” he uttered with a trembling voice. He wanted to tell her everything that he was keeping inside.
“God…he loves me? He said he loves me… Can this be true? Is this real?” the questions started to fill up Ellie’s mind.
Ellie looked away from Jaejoong. Everything she heard was too much. It made her more confused and her heart was starting to soften. She didn’t want that. She wanted to hate him. Though she knew beside from the hate she was feeling, there was still a love she had tried so hard to hide and forget.
“You’re right…. It’s late. I should return to my room,” she quickly uttered as she was about to leave. She had already heard enough. She didn’t want to get more confused as it is.
“Wait…” Jaejoong suddenly said.
“What is it?” Ellie asked as she faced him.
“If you were in her position, tell me… do you think… you can forgive me?” Jaejoong asked as he now looked straight at Ellie.
“Sorry…. but no. I am not the type that would easily forgive and forget,” Ellie replied. Her answer was the truth, but it somehow brought a sharp pain in her heart. She knew it would also hurt Jaejoong, but she decided that he needed to know.
With a broken heart, Jaejoong nodded as he accepted Ellie’s answer. His eyes softened and there was a hint of sadness on his face. “I see. At least now I know where I should stand…” he uttered in a low voice.
Ellie stared at Jaejoong. And it was then she noticed the tears that were forming in his eyes.
“You will need to accept everything that happened. Try to move on… Maybe your special someone has already done the same. So I suggest that you just forget about her and move on with your life. You don’t need to continuously worry about her… I bet she’s off somewhere having a wonderful time...” Ellie said as she tried hard not to break into tears herself.
“Forget? I don’t think I can do that. She’s a part of me that I can never forget,” Jaejoong uttered softly.
“Suit yourself. I am going now… I don’t think I can listen to more of your personal problems. It’s too annoying,” Ellie said in an irritated manner. She needed to lie and pretend. She knew any moment now, her own tears would surely appear. She then hurriedly turned around and walked away without even taking a glance at Jaejoong.
After she left, Jaejoong again gazed at the star up in the sky.
“Thank you Ellie for your answer.…” Jaejoong said as his tears raced down his cheeks. “Now I know what is truly in your heart…I will try to let go of you now. I hope that you will be happy with your new life. Don’t worry. I will never bother you again. From now on… I will stay away from you… as far as I can. I hope this way I can at least pay for all the wrong things I have done. Please stay safe and happy always… I love you.”
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